


numbing myself on the explosions of your star

by PEACHLIX



Series: written between the scattered remains of stardust [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Bang Chan, Sad Ending, Stars, Tags Are Hard, and funerals, and puke, like lots of them - Freeform, sad!hyunjin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29532900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PEACHLIX/pseuds/PEACHLIX
Summary: in which hyunjin falls in love with a star
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Series: written between the scattered remains of stardust [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2169702
Kudos: 7





	numbing myself on the explosions of your star

**Author's Note:**

> an old draft that was originally part of a big project that i never bothered to finish lols  
> i havent proof-read nd english isnt my strong suit so maybe a few minor errors here nd there  
> um i might post a part 2-ish but idk yet??

_my first love was a star. he shone bright, too bright almost, even on days he shouldn’t._

_mayhaps, that’s why we didn’t last._

it’s like, 3 am when changbin drags hyunjin out for a midnight snack. it’s somewhere in the middle of winter and they make their way to the convenience store with gloved hands and red-tinged noses. there’s biting drafts of winds that shake the car windows and hyunjin curls into himself even more. it’s 3:15 am when they sit on the pavement, each nursing a cup of hot chocolate as hyunjin numbs himself on the warm beverage. looking back, he blames the slight distraction because he doesn’t notice the way changbin finds his hands in the dark and intertwines their fingers.

changbin squeezes his hands slightly, making hyunjin look up and it’s one of those heat of the moment spurs that makes changbin confess.

“i like you hyunjin – more than friends should.”

hyunjin feels his cheeks heat up (not from the cold weather) and smiles shyly. it’s the first day of his sophomore year when hyunjin comes to school, hand-in-hand with changbin and a soft smile adorning his features. people gawk at them, but hyunjin doesn’t care. he never did when it came to changbin.

their first month is hyunjin getting used to changbin’s soft lips against his own. he thinks he tastes forever behind changbin’s teeth and love sprinkled on changbin’s tongue. hyunjin feels divine and he reaches for the stars in changbin’s arms. he feels immortal, there’s ichor in his veins and his lips drip gold.

 _'is this what love feels like?'_ , hyunjin finds himself asking on their fourth month, under the stars as they bathe in moonlight. it tastes a little like a daydream – somehow there’s too much sweetness and music and hyunjin thrives on the feeling.

but, in a way, it’s also a nightmare.

hyunjin finds himself at the edge of a crime scene, police tape blinding his vision. there’s glass everywhere and blood. so, _so_ much blood.

hyunjin recalls, somewhere in november, curled up on the couch and watching a crime movie. changbin lays his head on his shoulder and warns hyunjin of drunk drivers. they’re dangerous, he says, words of warning dripping from his lips. somehow, hyunjin never takes his words to heart. at least, not until the funeral.

there’s a lot of people at the funeral – changbin knew so many people. hyunjin preferred to keep to himself. changbin always told hyunjin he was his everything, but hyunjin finds himself doubting that as he stands at the funeral. how is it possible to be changbin’s everything when changbin knows so many people and hyunjin is just one upon many?

in a way, the funeral eases the pain in hyunjin’s heart. it’s quiet, too quiet hyunjin notices when he wakes up to an empty bed the next morning. maybe because when a star explodes, it’s deafening and all there’s left is a dull ringing against his ear.

that day, hyunjin visits the graveyard, black pansies in hand simply because changbin’s favourite colour was black. hyunjin scoffed at that. to him, changbin will always be a dork at heart. ironically, he finds out later that black pansies also mean broken love. there’s stones and unfiltered grass tugging at hyunjin’s ankles and he drops the flowers less than gently when he sees changbin. he fights the urge to breakdown – he _refuses_ to break down. besides, with changbin gone, who would comfort him when he breaks?

for a while, he just sits, dark petals around him as he stares into the horizon. if he closes his eyes for long enough, he could feel the ghost of changbin’s lips against his own. his ears catch a glimpse of changbin’s laugh, warm and ringing and it makes hyunjin’s insides turn to jelly. hyunjin calms himself on the feeling of being with changbin. it’s pathetic, really. they’re close, so close and yet so, _so_ far. hyunjin’s heart screams an _‘i love you’_ and changbin replies with an _‘i love you too.’_

the next few days find hyunjin busying himself with the piano. he sits there for hours on end – his fingers playing and replaying changbin’s song until they hurt and he feels raw inside. there’s something satisfying with the pain that comes to his burning fingers. the pain makes him forget, somehow. there’s something boiling in his ribcage – heartbreak, maybe – and it leaves invisible scars on his body and makes him want to puke.

he does end up puking. it’s bile and all his fogged mind really registers is the exhaustion that hits him after. it’s too late for this, he decides and he soothes himself to sleep with the ghosting sound of changbin’s giggle.

it’s the in wee hours of the morning that hyunjin wakes up to the feeling of dread. there’s already salt biting at his eyes when he wakes up and there isn’t much he could do to stop them. this time, he lets the emotions consume him. it quickly becomes routine, waking up every night and cutting his raw heart on the feeling of loneliness. it haunts him in the early hours of the morning, a cold grasp around his neck, strangling him until every desperate cry eventually becomes a quiet sob that racks his entire body. it bites into his skin and draws scars on his hands. it consumes him and he burns on the feeling – his sobs turn silent until there’s nothing but heavy breathing.

it’s during one of these late night breakdowns that hyunjin makes the split decision to move to australia. it’s cowardly, but hyunjin allows himself to run away from his problems – for now at least. he vaguely remembers having a distant cousin named chan who lived in australia. maybe he could ask him for a place to stay.

it’s all a blur and hyunjin doesn’t remember booking the flight, nor does he remember packing his bags – but he remembers his empty void of a heart whispering _‘i love you, changbin’_ just as he was about to board the plane. this time, changbin doesn’t reply and hyunjin winces as he feels his ribcage snap shut.

_maybe it does get better._

_after all, there are still billions of stars out there to choose from._

**Author's Note:**

> i hope yall had a great day -- dont forget to drink water !!


End file.
